| Venezuela in T minus 2 days... |
[04 Aug 2005|08:28pm] |
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mood |
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giddy |
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music |
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Santana, of course |
] |
AHH. I'm actually getting on a plane and flying to another continent in two days. I can't wait, this trip is going to be insane, the conference looks crazy and the people are super interesting, and I have absolutely nothing packed... lol, so, about par for the course.
WooooooooohooO!
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| Things I love about working for Public Safety |
[25 Jul 2005|02:30am] |
1. The Commissionaire knows more about my life than most of my friends do.
2. I can hide a book in the bathroom and read there for an hour before anyone notices I'm gone.
3. Biscotti can buy me praise, time off, or top secret files.
4. Speaking spanish with Argentina is the most strenous part of my day.
5. I can go an entire day without seeing anyone in person.
6. My cube is organizing central for everything but work.
7. Casual weeks can be unilaterally declared.
8. I can hear Scott banging his head on his desk on a daily basis, and overhear his phone calls when he tells PT reps to "shove it".
9. We can't process security clearances quickly, but we sure can lock the doors against the protesters, to keep Canadians safe from a few retirees with signs.
10. The way it makes me loooove academia with all my little intellectual heart.
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| Down With Love (minus the musical) |
[06 Jun 2005|11:29pm] |
Well, summer reading goes marvelously quickly when you can order books from the library at work all day. This week's pick is a rather cynical but interesting look at love (through the eyes of Marx half the time, no less!). In light of previous enteries, this quote from Laura Kipnis's book Against Love struck me as simultaniously being absolutly right, and in some parts downright horrifying:
Clearly the couple form as currently practiced is an ambivalent one - indeed, a form in decline say those census-takers - and is there any great mystery why? On the one hand, the yearning for intimacy, on the other, the desire for autonomy; on the one hand, the comfort and security of routine, on the other, its soul-deadening predictability; on the one side, the pleasure of being deeply known (and deeply knowing another person), on the other, the strait-jacketed roles that such familiarity predicates - the shtick of couple interactions; the repetition of the arguments; the boredom and the rigidities which aren't about to be transcended in this or any other lifetime, and which harden into those all-too-familiar couple routines: the Stop Trying To Change Me routine and the Stop Blaming Me For Your Unhappiness routine. (Novelist Vince Passaro: 'It is difficult to imagine a modern middle-class marriage not syncopated by rage.') Not to mention the regression, because, after all, you've chosen your parent (or their opposite), or worse, you've become your parent, tormenting (or withdrawing from) the mate as the same-or-opposite-sex parent once did, replaying scenes you were once subjected to yourself as a helpless child - or some other variety of family repetition that will keep those therapists guessing for years. Given everything, a success rate of 50 percent seems about right (assuming that success means longevity).
Zing. And who said Marxist feminists were boring?
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| Hmmm.... stay or leave? |
[04 Jun 2005|11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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none, the city at night |
] |
Oh, the tangled webs we weave when doing long distance. It should really be illeagal, in my opinion, because it's a very crappy way to interact with someone you love. But, since we live where we live and there's no way around it, it's best to do it right. Meaning, communication is key. Can't emphasize it enough. Once again, wires got crossed and I got very upset about something that was out of Andrew's control. Logical? Hell no. Understandable? Maybe, maybe not, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a really negative thing to be arguing like crazy when the only way you talk to each other is online once a day. Even worse, I nearly missed something very important; dare I say it, I think Andrew and I just took our relationship in a new and crazy directions: maturity. No more playing who-can-care-less, no more acting like super independent i-don't-need-you emotionless fuckwits, no more constantly trying to be 'bigger' than the other person. It's an interesting idea, all the more so because it came from him, not me. He's absolutly right, though; at some point we just have to take that leap out of our porcupiney selves and trust that maybe, just maybe, we are right for each other; otherwise nothing can move forward and we'll both get hurt. So hurrah to no more power struggle. I was afraid for awhile there that this would turn out to be proof that two type-A personalities should never date. On the contrary; I wouldn't trade it (and that means the good, the bad, and the ugly) for anything. There's something indescribably great about trusting someone with a part of you, with all that entails-- the risk is big, but the reward is nothing short of the best feeling in the world. Andrew has a part of me, and I trust him completely with that and probably even more now. I feel truly lucky; I think that the kind of love we have is very rare. Here's to more of the same, and even better.
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| Ow, my legs. |
[29 May 2005|10:05am] |
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mood |
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sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Prodigy - Breathe |
] |
Wooo, what an experience. Patrick and I started out the 10k race with a very sincere "OMG what have we gotten outselves into-- LOOK at all these fast looking people!" and kind of went on from there. It was pretty good, I was soooooooo close to my goal of 50 min (came in at 50:50, official chip time) and Patrick finished in a blistering 44 minutes. Also, we had a very dedicated (and LOUD) cheering squad of Lauren and Kiavash, which was great and hilarious. And Andrew was right, apparenly runners just eat bagels. On the whole, it was a good experience.... might even do it again. Once my toes have stopped hurting so much, that is!
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| Monday monday monday |
[23 May 2005|10:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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wet |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Hawksley Workman - Smoke Baby |
] |
Wow, I've been quite the slacky non-poster of late. Can't even blame exams, because i definitely post more during exams than any other time (hey, any excuse not to study). But here it is, summer once again, and I've had this journal for a year. I looked back at what I'd posted at this time last year, and I was really really on the ball last summer. I had a plan, a list! No list this summer. In fact, I almost feel like someone has walked off with my enthusiasm. Well, at least with my planning abilities. I can honestly count on one hand the things I "must" get done this summer or suffer spontanious personal collapse: make boatloads of money, run a 10k in 50 minutes, read Lolita, lie on a beach and learn to make sponge toffee. Pretty limited, and mostly just random fun. Oh well, I'm sure other things will come to me-- anyways, who says it always has to be meaningful. I'm sure the ability to make sponge toffee will serve me well. It's interesting being in Ottawa with almost no one here (or at least, everyone is so busy doing different things that they might as well not be here, for all that I see them). Not boring, like I thought it might be; there's more than enough here to entertain me for ages, and it's nice to make random friends and get to know people better who you might have otherwise not. Hell, it's even fun helping the NDP (ew ew ew). At any rate, I look forward to an interesting summer-- maybe all the more interesting because it's not planned out.
Hawksley Workman concerts seen in the rain: 1
Books read: The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum), Microserfs (Douglas Coupland- great book!)
Kms run: 118 since May 2nd
Random freakouts: 1 1/2
Times I spilled coffee all over the staff kitchen at work: 3
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| I've got sunshine, on a couldy daaaaay! |
[18 Apr 2005|06:39pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
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music |
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Aerosmith - Pink |
] |
Woooo. The end of the year, spring has sprung and I can once again go outside witout worrying about slipping to my death on the ice field that passed for our driveway this year. I got new running shoes yesterday (a frightening step in the direction of running more than casually loping along the canal) and not only are they orange and shiney, they may even stop my toes from getting mangled. Hurrah! Andrew and I went down the Rockcliffe parkway to see the PM, it was a nice day for a run despite my being tooled (as always :P) by my patient-but-fast bf. But who cares, it's gorgeous out and I don't have to hand an exam in till friday ("Italian culture, discuss; 3 pages double spaced" -- I love you, Professor Ricci). It'll be good to get to the cottage next week-- bring on the sunshine!!!
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[21 Mar 2005|09:26pm] |
"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass."
-- Maya Angelou
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| Well, you know what they say... |
[19 Mar 2005|11:16am] |
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mood |
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retarded |
] |
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music |
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Barenaked Ladies - Falling for the First Time |
] |
.. they say that "Love is being stupid together". Well, once again I have managed to make it a one-sided thing-- uggggggh. Now not only do I feel absolutly retarded (and I really should, no dount about it), but Andrew justifiably thinks I'm insane. The irony of it all is that I just did what I make fun of other people, no names but you know who they are, for doing! Unreal. I actually had a little insecure freakout. And it had nothing to do with Andrew, or the other person involved, at all, which is the worst part, because my insanity hurt him (and probably wouldn't endear me to her too much either, lol). It was just stuff from years ago (YEARS! I'm only 20, as if I can talk about crap from years ago rearing its head) that has apparently turned my instincts into a finely honed tool for making me crazy for no reason. Guh. Andrew has handled it flawlessly the entire time, and I don't blame him for getting angry finally, because seeing if from his viewpoint (which I didn't do before, perhaps my first mistake) I can easily understand why. Of course, now in light of things he pointed out, it all looks retarded and I wish I had never given it two second's thought, because it doesn't warrent even that. Andrew himself definitely deserves better treatment than what I have been giving him for this. If anything, I should be happy for him that he's found a new cool friend, and a big part of me is, believe it or not. I believe it's just high time I refuse to let the little baggage-y part of me take over my life. On the positive side, I'm almost certain that this will never happen again, now that I've had my little insanity bubble popped. Now if I can just coax my wonderful boy down from the hills...lol.
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| Humm... |
[13 Mar 2005|09:16pm] |
According to a crazy indepth personality, I am...
messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture
... haha, stunningly accurate, wouldn't you say?
(personality tests by similarminds.com</font>)
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| Reflections in the window |
[12 Mar 2005|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
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music |
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Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream |
] |
My boy is spectacular.
I've been reminded why lately, perhaps more because things were crazy last month. We have so much fun together it should be illegal. Not that I ever wondered too hard about us; how could I not love anyone who brings chocolate cake for breakfast in bed?
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| Remember that night when we hid on your roof with nerf guns and called Scott... |
[11 Mar 2005|06:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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rejuvenated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration |
] |
Ah, days like today. Absolutly nothing went right and the day was still unexpectedly fun. Ashley and I spent about half an hour wedging the screen back in my ever-so-secure window after Andrew broke in a month or so ago... only to have our landlord lock us out, and I had to break in again, and the screen is once again in our hall. We went for coffee and ended up with a mall adventure, too. I have great, great friends; Tia sent me the best recipie for babaganouj ever made, if only for the colour commentary. Since I met her in grade 7, she's the only person I know who can turn absolutly anything into a Great American Novel. I wish I'd learned how. For some reason, lately crazy/good days like this have been scarce-- I blame everyday life for ruining random fun. This is how people get old.
You just have to appreciate times when you walk down the street catching snowflakes on your tongue and not wanting to be anywhere else in the world.
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| Snow Patrol |
[08 Mar 2005|03:14pm] |
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mood |
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dorky |
] |
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music |
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Metric - Soft Rock Star |
] |
Jordan: "OMG! That's so cool!!! It's called 'Ways & Means'!! See, Ways and Means is a committee that decides government spending..." (goes on for about five minutes more about the hidden glories of ways and means committee)
Ashley: "You are so deliciously geeky. I really have no idea what you are talking about."
Nothing like an English major to keep it real, lol.
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| Carey |
[15 Feb 2005|01:34pm] |
The wind is in from Africa
And last night I couldn't sleep
Oh, you know it sure is hard to leave here Carey
But it's really not my home
My fingernails are filthy, I got beach tar on my feet
And I miss my clean white linen and my fancy French cologne
Oh Carey get out your cane
And I'll put on some silver
Oh you're a mean old Daddy, but I like you fine
Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine
And we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down
Let's have a round for these freaks and these soldiers
A round for these friends of mine
Let's have another round for the bright red devil
Who keeps me in this tourist town
Come on, Carey, get out your cane
I'll put on some silver
Oh you're a mean old Daddy, but I like you
Maybe I'll go to Amsterdam
Or maybe I'll go to Rome
And rent me a grand piano and put some flowers 'round my room
But let's not talk about fare-thee-welIs now
The night is a starry dome.
And they're playin' that scratchy rock and roll
Beneath the Matalla Moon
Come on, Carey, get out your cane
And I'll put on some silver
You're a mean old Daddy, but I like you
The wind is in from Africa
Last night I couldn't sleep
Oh, you know it sure is hard to leave here
But, it's really not my home
Maybe it's been too long a time
Since I was scramblin' down in the street
Now they got me used to that clean white linen
And that fancy French cologne
Oh Carey, get out your cane
I'll put on my finest silver
We'll go to the Mermaid Cafe
Have fun tonight
I said, Oh, you're a mean old Daddy, but you're out of sight
-- Joni Mitchell
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| Blah. |
[10 Feb 2005|11:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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A Perfect Circle - Imagine |
] |
Stupid, stupid stupid stupid STUPID. They should take away my dating licence. Who ever gave me one anyhow??? Gah. What a MESS. I talked to him last night but when I saw him I didn't want to talk anymore, I felt better already, but noooo, had to talk, can't just let the sleeping dogs lie... should have listened to my instincts, they are always right. Now he's so closed off and feeling so trapped, which is absolutly insane given that he IS free. And always has been. Of course I can live without him, of course we could break up and be fine, but at the heart of it, I want him in my life because he adds to it in a way that no one else seems to. Not because I want to own him, or trap him, or control him-- just because we have fun, I like being with him, the same way I did two weeks ago, a month a go, ten months ago. I've said what I needed to say, my concerns have been acknowledged, I'm done. It's up to him now to decide if he wants in. I definitely think we can get past this, but if he doesn't then we certainly can't. Like anything else, it's what you make of it. I want to make something happy and fun and good like we had before, but with more independence and with a shade more understanding this time-- and I have enough trust in "us" (as much as we both hate that word) that I truly think we can do it. And life is 90% attitude, as they say... oh Ashley, LOL.
On a completely separate note, Tia is actually the funniest person on the planet. This is the monologue version of our msn conversation this morning:
i think i have cavaties...:,(...i was just for some odd reason looking at my teeth last night and i saw a grey spot. AH! and i looked closer with my headlamp today, there is definatley some decy...i looked it up online and it says it only hurts in the more advanced stages of decay and i am freaking out because i cant see the bottoms of my upper molars. i need one of those dentists mirror-on-a-stick things, do you think you can buy them atthe drug store? i've never had a cavity before, this is a life changing event! i read about them online, i am so used to having healthy teeth! i have always had like super hero teeth, nothing ever goes wrong- well except the whole braces bit, i even had sealances on my back molars, so i dont know how cavaties got in there! i am considering taking up a low carb diet to save my teeth.
ahhh i have cavaties! there are dark spots, dark HOLES for all i know, decomposing my once-super-hero teeth that are worth thousands of dollars! and the worst part is i cant figure out WHY i have them! i brush my teeth lots, and i do a good job. i even LIKE to brush my teeth. i was reading that starches and sugars form acids in your mouth when combined with the bacteria thats already there, and this can cause cavities more than non-carb food that doest make an acid. so i am thinking that living in killarney probably had somehting to do with it... we pretty much survived on pasta and bagels and the occasional apple. and plus i doubt thre is proper flouride in the water there and i havent been to the dentist in over year because of being at school/in killarney. GAH! how could i let this happen?? you know what, now i am going to become one of those obsessive compulsive teeth brushers who wears the enamel off their teeth. ew fillings... they are so unnatural! its like having plastic surgery in your mouth! i am going to live every day of my life with METAL in my mouth!
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| Gah. |
[09 Feb 2005|04:11pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
] |
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music |
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Foo Fighters - Everlong |
] |
What a crappy week. And it's only wednesday.
I can't believe how fast things have spun out of control with Andrew. The worst part is that there is nothing obviously wrong with our relationship-- it's like we just can't stand the thought of something working well so we have to self-destruct it ("OMG! Look, it's *awesome*!!! Kill it!!!"). And for some reason I can't seem to stop crying this week no matter how much I want to (believe me, I want to). There's clearly some pressure causing the hysterics, and I have some ideas as to what it could be. None too shocking, either. Is it fixable? I certainly think so. I'm the first to admit that I have the tendancy to bail as soon as a relationship hits any serious turbulence, and I really don't want to this time. A good sign. I think it can be fixed, and I think that it's worth it-- but it takes two. Baaah.
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| Feliez navidad, y prospero ano nuevo... |
[02 Jan 2005|11:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Dave Matthews - Will It Go Round in Circles |
] |
Geez, what a vacation. I never thought Ottawa would seem relaxing in comparison! It was very interesting to come back to London. Good to see the family, of course, but strange to be back. Most of my friends there are stuck firmly in a definite time-warp back about 3 years. I brought Andrew to a night out with Kat and her boy Eric to see Wilson's best friend's band play (confused yet?), which put the time-warp factor sharply into focus. Literally the same drama that has been playing out for the last 6 years is still going on like it was 11th grade. On the up side, I very much enjoyed telling a certain boy to fuck off. But really, beside once again demonstrating that Wilson is a classy guy, that night just made me walk away from all of it. And so, I spent a good deal of time on the road too-- to Sarnia, Tillsonburg, the cottage... I think the time at the cottage was the best, it was great to literally do NOTHING except build a snow fort. New year's was interesting, will certainly go down in the history books... but above all fun. I like visiting Sarnia too, Andrew's family is very welcoming and I like his friends (despite the occasional drama there too, lol). Plus, the beach. Haha, oh the beach.
I do feel bad that I didn't spend more time at home. I think my mom really missed me (she even got up at 7 to see me off at the station-- if you've ever met my mother, you'd know that that is a superhuman feat for her). Hopefully she can come and visit in Ottawa this semester, it'd be nice to see her for some mother-daughter bonding. I did get to see a lot of my grandparents, which was good because they are awesome people, just hilarious. Other than that, despite and insane schedule of visiting, I missed Ahmid, Marc and Tara (stupidly, the people I most wanted to see). Next year, there will be better planning and less time devoted to people that I really have no desire to see (oh, and about a million times more riding-- only got out twice, much to my disappointment).
I was talking to Ash tonight and she was trying to remember her new year's resolution, and I decided hey, I should have one too. This break really highlighted a problem that's been growing for 2 years-- I really don't make time for my long-distance friends. I mean my really good friends, the Tias, Meghans and Ahmids of this world. I want to try to do more of that this year, because really, they are awesome people and I miss them. I also am determined to travel. If I don't get off this continent someone is going to get hurt, and whether I have to beg, borrow or steal to get there, I'm going to go, quick before I have a mortgage and 2.5 kids (*shudder*). Lastly, I want more of what I have with Andrew-- it's just unbelievably good, going good places, and having ridiculous amounts of fun along the way. WTF, are we doing something right??
Here's to a 2005 full of friends and adventures!
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[17 Dec 2004|12:23am] |
"A neoconservative is a liberal who's been mugged by reality. A neoliberal is a liberal who's been mugged by reality but has refused to press charges."
- Irving Kristol
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| Hurrah for fun roomates |
[11 Dec 2004|12:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Flogging Molly - Life in a Tennament Square |
] |
Muhahaha... 5 cm of fresh snow at midnight means only one thing-- Calvin & Hobbes-esque snowman montage!!!
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| Yay random! |
[06 Dec 2004|10:01pm] |
A Hydro-field cuts through my neighborhood
Somehow that always just made me feel good
I can put a spare bulb in my hand
And light up my yard
Late at night when the wires in the walls
Sing in tune with the din of the falls
I'm conducting it all while I sleep
To light this whole town
If you question what I would do
To get over and be with you
Lift you up over everything
To light up my room
There's a shopping cart in the ravine
The foam on the creek is like pop and ice cream
A field full of tires that is always on fire
To light my way home
There are luxuries we can't afford
But in our house we never get bored
We can dance to the radio station
That plays in our teeth
If you question what I would do
To get over and be with you
Lift you up over everything
To light up my room
A Hydro-field cuts through my neighborhood
Somehow that always just made me feel good
I can put a spare bulb in my hand
And light up my yard
Light up my yard
Lights in my yard
Light up my yard
-- Barenaked Ladies
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jordan_blaire's journal